Í form

11. apríl 2006

Ég lenti í því um daginn að grennast. Fólk spyr mig stöðugt hvernig ég fór að því og ég er orðinn dauðþreyttur á því, því eins og allir vita, þá er ekkert leiðinlegra en að hitta gamla vini og það fyrsta sem þeir segja er "vá, ferlega ertu orðinn grannur og stæltur og vel vaxinn og almennt fallegur, you sexy thing". Óþolandi.

Til að stöðva þennan óþverra ætla ég að lýsa því í eitt skipti fyrir öll hvernig ég fór að.

Ég læt klukkuna alltaf vekja mig klukkan 5 á morgnana svo ég geti ælt og grátið smá (tárin losa um salt sem bindur vökva, svo það er betra að vera óhamingjusamur). Svo fer ég aftur að sofa. Klukkan sjö fer ég á fætur og sprauta mig með rafgeymasýru sem veldur brennandi sársauka sem útilokar hugsanir um mat. Sýran veldur líka ógleði, svo ef ég er heppinn næ ég að æla svolítið hressilega. Klukkan átta fer ég í ræktina þar sem ég puða þar til ég svitna seigum, brúnleitum vökva sem getur leyst upp málma. Í hádeginu fer ég á klósettið þar sem ég sniffa amfetamín og æli. Síðan fer ég í mötuneytið og sleiki salatblað. Fæ alltaf pínulítið samviskubit yfir því, en maður verður víst að nærast. Eftir hádegismatinn finnst mér gott að drekka fimmtán bolla af kaffi, sem ég æli auðvitað aftur, enda inniheldur hver bolli talsvert af þúsundum úr hitaeiningu.

Ég elda mér alltaf hamborgara í kvöldmat. Svo horfi ég á hann á meðan ég brenni á mér handlegginn með kveikjara og öskra og græt, en eftir það hendi ég hamborgaranum. Svo sprauta ég mig með heróíni, æli pínulítið, og ef ég er í stuði fæ ég mér meiri rafgeymasýru. Svo tek ég alltaf eina góða stólpípu fyrir svefninn, en það hjálpar mér að melta kolvetnin sem ég sleikti af salatblaðinu í hádeginu. Í rúminu les ég Biblíu fallega fólksins og strýk yfir myndirnar af Gillzenegger með fingurgómunum. Á meðan sýg ég gamlan frottésokk, úr honum fæ ég nauðsynlegan dagsskammt af trefjum.

Ég fann þessa tækni sjálfur upp og kalla hana "Gleðikúrinn®". Bókin kemur út í næsta mánuði. Ég veit að þetta hentar ekki öllum, en búi maður yfir agnarlítilli sjálfsstjórn þá er þetta alveg málið.

Nei, ég er nú að plata pínu. Galdurinn sem ég beitti til að komast aftur í mitt gamla góða form var að borða minna og hreyfa mig meira. En það trúir því nú enginn. Það er nefnilega bannað að komast í form í dag nema maður éti pillur og prótínhristinga og fylgi Atkins-kúrum, kolvetnakúrum, South beach-kúrum, Hollywood-kúrum, dönskum kúrum eða kúr-kúrum og borði ekkert nema bygggraut úr trogi. En það er einhvernveginn ekki minn stíll.


Tjáskipti

Lindablinda

Ég tala daglega fyrir daufum eyrum. L: en þú hefur þyngst - hefurðu verið að mæta? K: ....j..já. L: En ertu þá að borða eitthvað meira? K: ...n..nei...? L: Þá er bara að æla meira!!! Múhahaha!........... Nei. Þetta er basic 101. What goes in must be used - otherwise it stays in - and on.

Hugi

Hmmm, "K"... Kalli?

Lindablinda

Hahahahaha! Nei......... bara kúnni.

Kalli

Ég ét eins og svín. Ég þyngist ekki nema ég hreyfi mig. Ég hefði gott af því að bæta á mig ca. 5 kílóum, jafnvel 10. En það þyrfti þá líka að vera í formi vöðva. Þegar fólk segir að það sé ekki auðvelt að vera fallegur er það að bulla. En líklega veit það bara ekki betur því það hefur ekki hitt mig. Annars finnst mér heróínparturinn af gleðikúrnum heillandi. Ég er viss um að ef ég myndi pumpa á fullu og sprauta mig myndi ég líta út eins og sambland af Iggy Pop og Chris Cornell. Fyrir þá sem ekki þekkja Chris Cornell þá spilaði hann á gítar og söng í Soundgarden. Ef þið þekkið ekki Soundgarden þá syngur hann líka í Audioslave en ég vil ekki tala um það.

Stefán Arason

Er næring í ælu? Nei, bara að pæla....

Hugi

Já, Kalli, það er erfitt fyrir menn eins og okkur að fela fegurðina sem hreinlega frussast allsstaðar út úr manni. Hvað varðar kúrinn, þá finnst mér rafgeymasýran skemmtilegri en heróínið. A.m.k. fyrstu mínútuna, áður en h´ún byrjar að bræða æðaveggina.

anna

Mér finnst ungir menn eins og þú eigi ekki að tala um það á opinberum vettvangi að þeir hafi lést og að allir eigi að vera léttir og að lífið snúist um megrun og að þeir geti farið að gráta. Ungir menn þurfa að taka ábyrgð á orðræðu sinni. ps. þú ert líklega með þann albesta húmor sem ég hef nokkru sinni lesið OG AF HVERJU ER MÉR ALDREI BOÐIÐ Í RAFGEYMASÝRU? HA? ÞÚ VEIST HVAÐ MÉR FINNST ÞAÐ GOTT! MÚHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO

Sveinbjörn

"Galdurinn sem ég beitti til að komast aftur í mitt gamla góða form var að borða minna og hreyfa mig meira" - Hugi Þórðarson Já, ég lifi viðbjóðslegum lífstíl -- ég borða nær eingöngu draslmat, heng fyrir framan tölvuna allan daginn og hreyfi mig aldrei *shudder*, enda slíkt bara fyrir fegurðarmeðvitaða apa ;). Nei, mitt trikk er einfalt: Blekking á blóðsykursmekanisma líkamans. Ég vakna upp úr hádegi, og í stað þess að fá mér morgunmat þá fæ ég mér glas af kóki og reyki eina eða tvær sígarettur. Þetta heldur mér góðum í svona 5 klst. að því gefnu að kókið og sígaretturnar renni ekki að þrotum, en þá er kominn kvöldmatartími. Kaupi ég mér einhvern greasy viðbjóð, ét hann, reyki meira, svolgra síðan í mig kóki þar til ég sofna snemma um morguninn og sef órólegum kaffeinsvefni. Já, þetta er lífstíllinn, fólk. Ég er í *kjörþyngd* ;)

Hugi

Anna, AUÐVITAÐ ertu alltaf velkomin í rafgeymasýru, veit ekki hvað ég hef verið að pæla að gefa þér aldrei að smakka. Spurning hvort þið kíkið ekki niður um hæð á páskadag og við getum þá deilt saman einum bikar af henni, eins og Jesús og lærisveinarnir forðum. Þetta er gott stöff. og að fá húmorsstimpilinn frá þér er náttúrulega eins og að heyra orðin "vá - þú ert með stærstu tungu sem ég hef á ævinni séð" frá Gene Simmons. Sveinbjörn, ég vil gjarnan tileinka þínum lífsstíl kafla í bókinni um Gleðikúrinn®, hann er til fyrirmyndar. Ungt fólk hefur ekki svona aga í dag, ég kenni versnandi uppeldi um.

Logi Helgu

Ákaflega skemmtileg lestning...nú vantar bara "leiknu" heimildarmyndina :)

Daníel

Úúúú... er minn bara farinn að slá um sig með tilvitnunum í meðlimi Kiss? Er semsagt tónlistarskorpan farin að skila árangri? Megum við eiga von á að sjá Huga Þórðarson svart- og hvítmálaðan í framan á næsta Smalagiggi? Hlakka til.

Lindablinda

Sveinbjörn. Maður borðar ekki hengikjöt, er það nokkuð? Hugi - ég tek undir með önnu. Það hafa fáir náð því að sárgræta mig af hlátri. Þú og Pedroinn eigið stóran þátt í krampakenndum innsogs símtölum blindunnar þar sem hún reynir að breiða út boðskapinn, en frussar bara í tólið í staðinn. Kannski þess vegna sem enginn svarar lengur?

Mjása

Kalli, hvað finnst þér um sólódiskinn hans Krissa? Af hverju hætti hann sólóinu og fór í Audioslave? Hljómsveitin dregur úr kúlleika hans. Það finnst alla vega þessari læðu.

Kalli

Ég held ég hafi heyrt eitt lag af þessum sólódisk og það var bara OK held ég. Var þetta samt ekki allt down hill eftir Soundgarden? Reyndar er ég enginn aðdáandi enda lítið fyrir grunge en Soundgarden er alveg hægt að hlusta á.

Hugi

Linda, nei, ég held að ég hafi aldrei séð hengikjöt borðað. Ef frá eru taldar nokkrar myndir með John Holmes, sem ég vil helst ekki tala um. En ég þakka fögur orð í minn garð. Og tek undir Pedró-hlutann, hann er húmorsleg ástin mín eina. Daníel, ég hlusta raunar ekki á Kiss, en ég er mikill áhugamaður um tungur. Og í sumar mun ég fara upp í Biskupstungur til að fylgjast með ráðstefnu samkynhneigðra kórdrengja. Og fyrir ykkur hin sem eruð að spjalla um Audioslave, þá vil ég benda á að það eru til úrræði fyrir svona fólk. Það er bara málið að leita hjálpar nógu snemma, og ekki vera feiminn.

Kalli

Í nafni alls þess sem heilagt er... ekki bendla MIG við þann hroðbjóð sem Audioslave er!!! Ég er sómakær maður!

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